His Right Hand
by lavenderjacquard
Summary: Erwin stared at his reflection in his bedroom mirror and examined the tiny wrinkles radiating from the eyes that didn't seem as blue as they used to be.


Erwin stared at his reflection in his bedroom mirror and examined the tiny wrinkles radiating from the eyes that didn't seem as blue as they used to be. Those eyes were turning grayer, duller, like clouds creeping into a bright winter sky. Of course, no one noticed this, or if they did, they wouldn't say anything. Not to the Commander of the Survey Corps leading them back to Shiganshina, who still held sway over them despite his lack of a sword arm.

He sighed and looked down at his hand, the only one now, the ghost of the other still haunting his dreams. There he still had both hands, and in the pitch black abyss he reached out that hand, desperate, to the small figure always just out of his grasp.

Last night, Erwin finally caught up to him. Maybe it was because his subconsciousness foresaw something, knew reaching that district was the same as reaching an unspoken boundary he was previously too afraid to approach. Erwin extended his right hand like he did every night, skin smooth and muscles intact, but just as his fingers grazed the black hair his arm exploded. Invisible teeth gnashed down on the flesh, severing the nerves and ripping apart the tiny muscles until all that remained was a jagged splinter of bone and a scarlet mist all around them, choking and metallic.

Levi swiped at the blood on his cheek, face contorted in disgust. "God, get this shit off me."

Erwin awoke with the sheets twisted around his chest, choking him, and when it should have taken seconds to untangle himself it took a minute with one hand. There was a long prism of light from the morning sun over his stomach, burning. He was panting, nearly heaving, the pain in his chest agonizing. It took all his strength not to cry out in frustration. Or anguish. Or loneliness.

He stared at himself in the mirror, watching the pink flush recede and escape the sallow flesh stretched over his cheekbones. Seeping away was the only reminder that he was alive, that there was something twisting and needing buried beneath the stoic and cold facade he'd crafted. Erwin was getting older, and they'd soon notice the few gray hairs and that he was useless in a physical fight. And then would anyone find that little weak muscle that begged for comfort? Would Levi?

Levi didn't need him, though, and he didn't have that same tiny needy thing hidden inside him. At least, he'd never revealed a hint of it, until two days ago when Levi shut the door behind him and spat threats of violence in that low voice that meant he was deadly serious. Erwin sat and stared, spellbound, until Levi's eyes narrowed and there was a slight glint of white, his teeth behind taut lips; Erwin's mouth dried and inexplicably he remembered his father's dog.

It was sleek, muscular, a terror to the rabbits and chipmunks that roamed their backyard. The dog rested beside his father every night and watched Erwin complete his schoolwork, dark eyes slit, body relaxed but ready to spring at the slightest noise. It had been present since Erwin could remember, always at his father's side. It was there, snarling and biting, when the MPs took his father away, and it died three months later after wasting away to bones. Erwin buried the dog in a sunny spot on the hill because his father loved the sun, and he hadn't been able to bury his father.

All these years later, Erwin still remembered the strange thought he'd had while digging the grave; he realized that he was glad that the dog had died after his father, because Erwin didn't want to see his father devastated by the loss of his most loyal companion.

But, Levi was not a dog, and though Levi did snarl and bite he wouldn't lay down and die just because one more soldier perished.

Erwin's mouth was too dry to say that he didn't like seeing Levi afraid, and that the look didn't suit him. It was just as unsettling at the dog's savage eyes as it bit down hard on an MP. But there was the same look in Levi's eyes, glassy and ferocious, and when Erwin saw it he was simultaneously thrilled and deeply saddened by the fact that Levi shared his same fear, that the other would die before him and then there would be no one left, again.

For one fleeting moment he'd wanted to say, _No, it's you, you're the one humanity needs, you're the one who needs to be safe_. But that was ridiculous and selfish, and nearly made Erwin laugh out loud at his own audacity.

Dressing himself took twice as long as it used to, because everything he did was still unfamiliar and new. He'd never considered how to button a shirt with one hand, how to fold a letter, how to kill a Titan. While he was not one to fear the unknown, this was different. It was hard, and painful, and he didn't want to do it alone. Erwin needed Levi, needed him to slaughter Titans and inspire soldiers and stand beside him.

There was a knock at the door. "Commander, we're set to leave in an hour," a voice said through the door.

"Thank you," Erwin said to his reflection. He narrowed his eyes and the little cracks around his eyes deepened. Not for the first time, he wished he'd tried harder to break through Levi's granite walls, to find out what made him so tirelessly loyal despite his harsh demeanor, and find out if Levi followed him only because of his ability or if there was something else. The latter was a tiny hope Erwin kept aflame for years, the same kind of hope that drove him to lead his soldiers to ruin just to find out what was in the Yaeger basement.

But, it would have been easier back when he was younger and brasher and invincible. He was no longer any of those things. Did Levi need to bother to protect someone so weak and useless as Erwin?

He finished buttoning his shirt and shrugged on his jacket. With it on and at just the right angle, no one could tell he was missing an arm. His hair was still a golden blonde, his wrinkles blurred when further from the mirror. Maybe Levi didn't notice them.

Was there still time?

Erwin stepped into his boots and rose to his full height. He wasn't stooped over like an old man yet. Of course there was time. There was time to reach the basement, time to know its secrets, and time to know Levi.

* * *

Erwin stared upwards towards the sky, vision obscured by the smoke and steam. The dust scratched at his eyes and caused them to water. All he could hear was the screaming, the moaning, the squealing of horses and thunder of rocks slamming into the ground. There were men all around him, groaning, weeping, pleading for their mothers, and while he knew a good leader would heave himself up and crawl over to comfort them in their final moments, Erwin lay unmoving, his thoughts paralyzing. The blood pouring out of his stomach seared his flesh and he tried to focus on that excruciating pain, but the final truths were unassailable.

He'd done what Levi had told him, he'd given up on his dream and died, and he'd finally done something for the man who'd followed every order, who'd done anything and everything he'd asked. In exchange, Erwin would never be devastated by the loss of the only person to ever be truly loyal.

The screams were falling away, fading into blissful silence. He stared at the sky, a tear slipping down his cheek, and watched the gray smoke slowly dissipate to reveal a brilliant blue.

Despite his heart's howling and thrashing, Erwin thought that if Levi had ordered him to die, then maybe he did not have the same fear of living without him as Erwin did. Maybe he was wrong about that tormented look in his eyes. Though, it would be better for Levi, and for all of them, if he did his job without a nagging and desperate need for someone to stand at his side, to protect him and fend off the loneliness. Erwin wasn't confident he could do that himself, and for that he felt both guilty and shamefully relieved.

He raised his left arm towards the sky and despite his tunneling vision, Erwin thought he saw Levi, surrounded by blue instead of black. Though Erwin wasn't going to catch him this time, or ever, Levi was finally facing him, not smiling, but with a softness in his eyes that Erwin couldn't recall ever seeing before.

Erwin would not know that basement, and he would not know Levi, but he would mercifully not know the pain of surviving without his true right hand.


End file.
